Should you show your true colors in the early stage of dating?
中文 | English
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Recently, Amy contacted a 2RedBeans dating consultant about an embarrassing date.
After graduating with a PhD in Pharmacology, a classmate introduced a guy who works in the financial industry to her. In order to make a good first impression, she made “active” preparations. Considering that he works in Manhattan where women are fashionable, she bought a sexy short skirt and changed her look entirely. Then, she also tried to cram in on financial knowledge, even though she had never even opened a stock account before. On the day of the date, before he could even speak a word, she talked about her investment experience in the past six months. She wanted to create an image of a mature, intelligent and independent woman. Unexpectedly to her, the dating experience was extremely embarrassing. Her date didn’t say much, but left with an excuse in a hurry. Afterwards, her classmate who introduced them got a feedback from her date that she was very different from the initial information he got.
From Amy’s perspective, her life is extremely boring because she does experiments and scientific research all day long. She wanted to create a more riveting persona to have more resonance with her date. But the result was counterproductive. What makes Amy deeply confused is: “Should I beautify myself to cater to his taste or stay true to myself? If the real me is not that attractive and interesting, how can I get him interested in me?”
“Everyone is a unique individual. We must be good at knowing our attractive sides, our unique sides as well as the not-so-bright sides.” 2RedBeans marriage consultant pointed out, “To win someone’s interest, you should first of all show your true self with your attractive sides; secondly, don’t be afraid to expose your shortcomings. What you believe as shortcomings may happen to be the attraction to the other person.”
Highlight your appealing traits
Everyone has a charming side that can make a positive impression on others. Letting these characteristics shine through is the correct way for us to attract the attention of others.
Amy deliberately talked about topics that are familiar and interesting to her date, even if she is not good at it at all. In order to please him, she even fabricated a fake personna who “knows finance” with last minute crammed in information.
In the early stage of dating, you may be able to attract each other in a short period of time by pleasing the other person. But maintaining a fake persona that isn’t you at all can be very exhausting. It is difficult to maintain as time goes on, let alone for a lifetime.
If one wants to quickly gain the interest of another, one can find ways to know each other’s preferences; discover things that can quickly resonate with each other and grow fondness toward each other by showing one’s best self. But NEVER EVER fabricate things one doesn’t have just to please someone.
After a consulting session with Amy, 2RedBeans dating consultant found that although Amy usually buries herself in scientific research and has relatively limited social activities, her life experience is actually not so limited, and she is very enthusiastic about her profession. As soon as she started to talk about her research, she was energetic and stunning. Her friends never thought of her as boring. They can see that this girl, being quite observant and having thought deeply about life, is filled with kindness and warmth. None of these came through in her disastrous date at all.
Oftentimes, we can’t really see clearly what we have that is attractive to others. To become more aware, we could go through a deliberate analysis of self, as well as ask family and close friends to get their thoughts.
Change your perspective on your “flaws”
Fear of exposing one’s flaws is a sign of being unconfident deep down. Many worry that others will be disappointed or keep a distance from them. So they try to conceal and disguise their flaws. But in reality, those who don’t mind making fun of themselves are actually the appealing ones. Building self-confidence is a big topic which we won’t go into in this article. But we can re-consider what we deem as flaws in ourselves.
Sometimes, what you consider as flaws are not necessarily flaws in others’ eyes.
Shortly after Katie started her 2RedBeans offline 1-on-1 matchmaking service, she revealed in her first meeting with the consultants: because of her two canine teeth, she never dared to laugh out loud. When she was young, a classmate once made fun of her for having a monster’s fangs. This lack of confidence in appearance has accompanied her ever since then. Even after she grew up, she still maintains the habit of laughing with her lips closed. Whenever someone’s eyes linger near her mouth for a few more seconds, she becomes extremely sensitive and worries that they are staring at her teeth.
Later on, her consultant matched her with a guy who was very interested in meeting her after seeing her photos. And the photo that had left a strong impression on him was none but the one that showed her two cute little canine teeth, captured by a 2RedBeans photographer, who also thought these were super cute.
Often, we trouble ourselves with things, which in turn makes us unconfident. Are these real flaws? Do we overestimate their impact?
Some characteristics/quirks are not necessarily flaws, but unique traits that make you more memorable. And the right ones will be more attracted to you.
For example, personality traits that you might consider as inferior, such as being an introvert, being sensitive, and being overly cautious, etc. They are in fact only neutral words that reflect a certain characteristic of you. From a different perspective, they could as well be your advantages. Introverts may have a richer inner world; sensitive people may have stronger empathy; people who are more cautious could be more observant… For someone who is a good match for you, these qualities will not be the weakness, but instead those that make you sparkle in their eyes.
In fact, if the price to leave someone a good impression or win their heart is to give up on your true self, you should reconsider. Is this person the right one? Is this relationship worth maintaining?
If you have questions on finding love, feel free to contact a 2RedBeans consultant for advice.