More than just friends, but nothing more | The myths that surround dating
Before a date, you may have come across a few of these dilemmas:
- Making a reservation at a chic dining hurts the wallet, but will I seem insincere if I just make a reservation at a normal restaurant?
- Should I prepare a small gift for the first date? What should be the price range of that gift?
- If the date goes well, does that mean I should not date other people anymore?
When we date with the mindset of getting into a relationship in mind, there will be a period of uncertainty, especially when both parties have not expressed their commitment to each other. You tend to be in either of the following two situations: one where you feel that you should ‘give more’, but at the same time fearing that it might not be worth it. The other one, where you feel that you should ‘give less’, but fearing that you might miss out on something great doing so.
The assistant matchmakers of 2RedBeans would like to share some stories with you and figure out the myths that surround the ‘dating period’ before getting into an official relationship.
I don’t want to be calculative, but it’s hard not to do so
Alex doesn’t know how to prepare for dates anymore.
After receiving a job offer and moving to New York City, like any typical single man these days, he signed up for a few dating apps for fun. He came across many different girls, and even had a few interesting and meaningful conversations with some of them.
After chatting for a period of time with a particular girl, Alex asked her out for a meetup. He sought a few of his friends’ opinions, searched online on tips and to-dos during a date, and even made the effort to visit a few restaurants which he thought would be suitable. He bought a bouquet of flowers and prepared a small gift for her date, only to be disappointed. Not only the girl didn’t look the way she was in her pictures, but her air of nonchalance was also a major turn-off to Alex.
The subsequent dates weren’t as smooth sailing too. Some of the girls he met online could text really well, but they can’t seem to carry a conversation in real life. Some of them, for fear of awkward silences, started using their phones instead, which made the whole atmosphere even worse.
After all these not-so-good experiences, Alex finds it tedious to prepare for dates. He often finds it tiring to think about what he needs to do, especially since he runs the ‘risk’ that the amount of effort he puts in will turn out to be a waste, since he will never know if there is a chance for him and his date to progress further.
2RedBeans’ matchmaking manager Bessie suggests, instead of bringing your date to a restaurant for a meal together, you can instead choose a cafe for a coffee together for the first date. The cafe allows both parties a ‘leeway’, depending on how things will turn out. If the date turns out to be a good one, both parties can progress on to a good meal together at a fancy restaurant. If it doesn’t turn out to be what both parties intended, both parties can politely bid each other farewell after the date. No major harm was done!
Dating A and then chatting with B: is this the right thing to do?
Should you be dating exclusively? This is also a debatable topic that gets people scratching their heads.
Shine encountered this issue. She thought that the guy that she went out on a first date with was decent and she doesn’t mind progressing on to something more. On the other hand, there are many guys chatting her up on the dating platform she is on. This situation bothered her: should she continue talking to these guys?
“If the guy that I’m currently dating now finds out, would he perceive this as a problem? We have not laid down any official rules or anything yet, would I miss a better opportunity if I stop talking to the rest of the guys that I’ve been talking to?”
The traditional way of thinking was to put an important emphasis on your first date, because it shows your sincerity and respect for the other party. Things have changed in our modern society: while dating, if it’s not official, every person you meet is an open opportunity for you.
This can be laid out in three different definitions: Hanging out, dating, and exclusively dating. In the initial phase, dating a few people means giving yourself more opportunities.
- Hanging out: This means that both parties go out together as friends. In other words, it means going out and having fun just like how you do with your friends. The purpose of hanging out together is to give each other the opportunity to get to know each other further.
- Dating: After knowing each other for a period of time, both parties might choose to go into the dating phase. This has a clear purpose: both parties intend to work towards an official relationship. However, both parties are still open to every other opportunity that comes along, or even have a few dates concurrently.
- Exclusive dating: After ‘enduring’ the toughness of dating, and if both parties really like each other and want to go into something more exclusive, they will go into this phase of exclusive dating. This comes after both parties made the extra effort to agree to go into this phase. Some might even delete all the dating apps they have in order to show their sincerity!
At 2RedBeans, we think that a relationship is something serious, and both parties have to treat it seriously.
If you have rejected someone in the past, can you still chase them now?
We receive many queries like these from our clients: the previous guy/girl was decent, but the timing wasn’t right for me previously. Can I still chase them now? For this, we have a real story to share with you.
Kathy and her husband met each other because of this exact question:
“Hi, the previous date request that you made; is that offer still on the table?”
Kathy met Gavin when she was in a dating phase. She thought that he was a nice person, and even asked him if he wants to hang out together. Gavin just broke up with his ex-girlfriend then, and still hasn’t gotten over her entirely. This, coupled with the stress that his new department head was giving him, made him reject Kathy’s offer.
After about half a year, things start to become better for Gavin: work was smooth, and he had finally gotten over his ex-girlfriend. He reflected and realized he regretted rejecting Kathy’s offer back then. Due to the fact that they have many mutual friends, they see each other often during their gatherings. Gavin gradually developed feelings for Kathy, and admires her outgoing and cheerful personality. Most importantly, he found out that she was still single!
Gavin was initially hesitant. Since he had rejected Kathy’s offer previously, he thought that it might not be giving Kathy the respect if he was to ask her out. Nevertheless, he believes that he should take the initiative if he really likes her.
In fact, Kathy was very surprised, yet excited at the same time when Gavin asked her out. She had been wanting to let him know that she had been waiting for him all along. Even though she dated a few other guys since the day she was rejected, the feelings she had for him had lingered on…
In this game we call dating, it doesn’t mean that the person you met at the wrong time is the wrong person for you. Things might change as time passes. What is perhaps more important is that you should always aim to take the initiative. Leave no regrets; who knows, sparks may fly because you took the chance and expressed yourself!
Do you have any myths that you want to ask us? Leave them in the comments below!